


Be still, my water-borne heart

by Terrenis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Captain America Reverse Big Bang 2018, Idiots in Love, Infinity War? What's Infinity War? Never heard of it, M/M, Mentions of Non-Consensual Body Modification, Mentions of Torture and Submarine Disasters, Miscommunication, Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Not MCU compliant after CATWS, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Secret Merperson Bucky, Splash - Freeform, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 17:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14753222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Terrenis/pseuds/Terrenis
Summary: Water was life.Water was a polar molecule formed from two partially positively charged hydrogen atoms being attracted towards a partially negatively charged oxygen atom, containing two Oxygen - Hydrogen bonds in a nonlinear geometry.Water was a state of aggregation, which was at room temperature an odourless and tasteless liquid with just a hint of blue.Water was where he was born all those centuries ago.Water was what he would dissolve into and become part of again, when it would be time for him to go.Water was the very core of James Buchanan Barnes’ essence, of everything that made him Bucky._________________________________________________________________________________Bucky keeps hiding things from Steve, ever since he returned.Steve naturally wants to help, but can't bring himself to force Bucky to open up about it.So when an accident reveals Bucky's most well-kept secret, Steve must admit to himself that Bucky's secret isn't exactly news to him.





	1. Then

**Author's Note:**

> Finally it is here - my fic for this year's **[Captain America Reverse Big Bang](https://capreversebb.tumblr.com)** on Tumblr.
> 
> I've had the honour to work with the amazing **[Threadberry](https://threadberry.tumblr.com/)** and her beautiful artwork. Also thanks to my beta **Michi_frog** and her lovely comments, which had been a huge help.
> 
> But now...
> 
> Happy Reading!

**Then**

 

Fire was raining from the sky, what should have water instead. Burning pieces of debris from the three destroyed helicarriers hit the surface of the Potomac with a loud ‘Splash!’, before they made the long and painfully slow way down to the bottom of the river. Some of the larger pieces suddenly seemed to hit something metallic, ricocheting in a completely different direction before reaching the ground.

Suddenly, barely visible between the chaos under and over the water’s surface, a dark shadow moved elegantly and swiftly through the semi-dark liquid. Weak beams of light revealed a humanoid shape pulling a second one with him.

The Asset, because that's what the shape was, slowly advanced closer to the banks of Theodore Roosevelt Island, only to emerge moments later from under the surface, cascades of muddy river water running down his black leather outfit from the top of his head. With a blank face, wet strands of dark hair clinging to his face, the Asset waded forward, his not-flesh hand tightening his grip on his precious, but currently unconscious cargo.

Slowly, but steadily, he dragged the man onto safe shores, dropping him on the ground as soon as they had left the water. The blond man with the bloodied star-spangled suit was dead to the world and wouldn’t wake up anytime soon. But he wouldn’t die either. This the Asset knew for sure.

For a long time, he just stood there, completely unaware of the raging inferno behind his back, despite the loud sirens belonging to fire, rescue, and police. He just stood there, alternately looking at the Captain's battered face and the burning river behind him, all the while wondering why he rescued him in the first place.

There must be something about the other man, who seemed to spark a wide variety of feelings inside his gut.

A protective streak, an ancient instinct sitting deep inside of him.

A deep longing not only for the Captain, but also for his true home.

Something warm and fuzzy. Maybe…love?

He couldn't quite identify the last feeling, but he could tell that he liked it. And that was the problem of his current internal struggle.

Although the Asset really wanted (a word which was still new in his current vocabulary) to stay with the Captain, he wasn't sure that he could.  Something else was pulling him back to the water, singing an ancient song to him, telling him to come home.

Clenching both of his fists, flesh and non-flesh, looking torn, the Asset did something unusual for the first time in decades.

He made a choice.

Slowly, the dark-haired man turned round to face the Captain. His gaze lingered on him and he wanted to say something, but somehow he wasn't physically capable of articulating the right words.

Instead, he showed it through his actions. Kneeling down next to the unconscious man, his wet black leather gear squeaking with every single move, he let his flesh fingers take in every single inch of the Captain’s face, ghostly fingertips barely grazing the bruised skin.

After what seemed like an eternity, he retracted his hand and started to unfasten the buckles of his upper leather gear, shedding the heavy garment and revealing the many scars on his now unclothed upper body. With a surprising tenderness, he laid the leather jacket on the Captain’s bloodied suit, before bowing down and pressing a butterfly kiss on the wet forehead, whispering an almost inaudible “goodbye for now” in the Captain’s left ear.

Only then did the Asset get up again, throw one last glance at him and turned back to face the river. He could see the flashing blue lights in the distance and he had to leave. With faltering steps, he walked back into the churning water of the Potomac, until it reached up to his chin. He took one big gulp of air and dived under the water surface.

The last thing that could be seen of the Asset, was the day’s final rays of sunlight reflected from its metal appendage. 


	2. Just then

**Just then**

 

Bucky was hiding something.

Steve was sure of it. He just didn't know what.

Ever since his best guy came back to him three months ago, Bucky had changed - slowly, but still notably. Not that Steve hadn't known that before. Seventy years of playing the dancing monkey for an old Nazi cult could do that to a person.

And yet, Steve was sure he would have drowned in the Potomac, if it hadn't been for Bucky, who was the only one, who could have rescued him from the certainty of a watery grave. 

The blond man sighed and got up from the spot on his dark-blue couch where he had been sitting for the last three hours, waiting for Bucky to come back from his self-imposed isolation in their shared bathroom.

He stared at the closed door, hoping that it would maybe miraculously disappear. He could kick it in, even easily so. But that would disrespect Bucky's private space. And that was something Steve wouldn't, and couldn't, do to him. Bucky deserved that much.

Sighing again, he crossed the spacious living room and stepped out on the small balcony, which was part of his floor in Avengers Tower. A slightly cold breeze ruffled his hair, but it was a welcoming change to the almost suffocating atmosphere inside. Steve took a deep breath and leaned on the railing, watching the myriad of ant-like people bustling around in the streets and the Central Park, as if Manhattan was some sort of monumental formicary.

Steve wished for a moment he could be part of this. No changes, no surprises. Just a daily routine and heaven on Earth, no matter how boring it may sound. His eyes strayed over to Central Park and, by extension, back to that one day three months ago, when Bucky had finally come back to him.

 

_ Steve was on his last morning run with Sam, before they were supposed to start his search for his missing best guy. Although neither Tony nor Natasha with all their connections had found a trace of him yet, he didn't believe that he was dead. The fact that Bucky apparently had dragged him out of the water and covered him with his leather gear before disappearing, only proved his theory.  _

_ His feet took him further through the almost empty park, his loud breathing the only sound beside the early morning birds and the noise on the surrounding streets. Throwing a glance behind him, he could spot Sam's tiny form in the distance. So, when he reached “The Lake”, he opted for a short break to wait for him and started looking for a free bench.  _

_ Suddenly, the lone shape of a man on one of the benches close to the water caught his attention. The way he looked at the water as if it were some kind of sanctuary reminded him of his old pal way back in the 30’s, when he had found him near the docks, staring at the water like this. _

_ Steve eyed the man. He was wearing a brown jacket over a red henley, dark pants and a black cap over his shoulder-length hair. But the most significant feature were the gloves on both hands - and that in the middle of July. _

_ Steve’s breath quickened, automatically clenching his fists. Could it be…? Could he dare to hope that…? He took a deep breath and slowly walked closer to the bench. The man didn’t move, not even when the bench creaked loudly as Steve sat down next to him. _

_ For a while, neither of them moved nor spoke a word. Steve kept stealing glances at his neighbour, trying to get a good look at the man’s face. But he didn’t necessarily succeed, since discrete glances weren’t exactly one of his super soldier strengths.  _

_ “Being discrete has never been one of your strengths, punk. You know that, right?” a well-known voice teased him. Steve almost, no, he literally stopped breathing, while he turned wide eyes at his long lost friend, not believing that he was here right next to him.  _

_ “B...B...Buck?” he whispered, not daring to move one single inch in fear of scaring the other man away. Bucky turned right to face his long-time friend for the first time in months and Steve could recognize Bucky’s face as it had been before the war.  _

_ No haunted and confused look.  _

_ No expressionless face.  _

_ No sign of the tensed up assassin from the Helicarrier bridge. _

_ His eyes were clear and he clearly looked fresher and more relaxed. He looked beautiful as ever. _

_ “Are you...you?” Steve asked him carefully, his gaze never leaving Bucky's face. From the corner of his right eye, he could see that Sam was approaching them at a slow pace. _

_ Bucky shook his head. _

_ “Who else would I be?” He gave as an answer. _

_ “I don't know. Hopefully not the man, who tried to kill me in D.C..”  _

_ For a split second, Bucky's face took on a pained expression and he turned his attention back to the water. _

_ “That man drowned in the Potomac. You’ll never see him again.” he whispered, looking down. _

_ Steve took Bucky's human hand, squeezing it gently, while waving Sam nearer, who had been watching them with eagle eyes from a safe distance. The dark-skinned man joined them only hesitatingly. After all, the blond’s longtime friend had thrown him off a flying helicarrier not so long ago, not to mention after tearing off his wings. Steve resisted the sudden urge to roll his eyes at his new best friend’s antics. _

_ “It’s okay, Sam. He’s not the Soldier anymore.” he tried to convince him, giving him his best puppy eyes performance. _

_ Sam shook his head and raised a sceptical eyebrow, his arms crossed over his chest. _

_ “You sure?” he asked, eyeing the former assassin with a frown on his face. _

_ “Absolutely.” Steve insisted. _

_ Before Sam could answer, a loud chuckle could be heard from Steve’s left side. _

_ “You can believe him. Stevie can’t lie for shit. Never could and never will be. You should have seen him back in the days. He’d always take on the appearance of an overripe tomato, when trying…” Bucky told Sam. _

_ “Buuuuuck…” Steve whined, not wanting to be reminded of his weakness. _

_ Sam stared at  Bucky, before he plopped down on the free space on the bench. _

_ “But I’ve read in a book that he tried to get recruited five times. He wouldn’t have been able to do that otherwise.” the black man pointed out. _

_ Bucky nodded, scratching the stubble on his skin. _

_ “True. That’s the part I’m still wondering about today.” he stated. _

_ “Guys, please…” Steve begged, but the two men just looked at each other and ignored him. _

_ “You got more stories?” Sam finally asked. _

_ The corners of Bucky’s mouth turned upwards so rapidly that he almost looked like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. _

_ “Plenty. Wanna hear some more?” he asked innocently. _

_ “God, yes please.” Sam chuckled. He loved hearing embarrassing stories about his family and friends. Since Cap was one of them and he was right at the source now, he might have just hit the jackpot.  _

_ “Oh, god. Why do you have to torture me like this?” Steve all but wailed. _

_ Bucky and Sam let out a simultaneous laugh and clapped Steve on those ridiculous shaped shoulders. _

_ “‘Cause we like you.” they chorused. _

_ “Oh God.” Steve groaned. _

_ He was doomed. _

  
A small smile appeared on Steve’s face. 

That day had been great. They had spent more than three hours on that bench, ignoring the real world around them. Bucky had told Sam every single one of Steve’s youthful indiscretions, until the black man had doubled over with laughter, while Steve looked like a full body tomato.

When it had been time to go back, Bucky went with them voluntarily. Back at the Tower, Steve’s new team had already been waiting for them and for a moment, Steve had panicked. What if they would take his Bucky away? He hadn’t been ready to lose him again.

But then, Wanda had stepped forwards and asked Bucky, if she could take a quick look into his mind - just a precautionary measure to see if he still had some triggers left. To Steve’s surprise, his best pal had agreed at once. He had let Wanda do her magic and in return, she had made it quick. Although, Steve still had no idea, why her face had taken on a surprised expression.

Only then, Tony had allowed Bucky to stay here with Steve.

Which led to their current predicament.

 

_ For more than a month, everything had been fine. Nothing unusual, nothing exciting. Until one day... _

_ On one morning, Bucky just disappeared. He was gone, when Steve had woken, throwing Steve right into panic mode. He asked the others for help, but was told to wait, since Bucky could just have gone into the city. A story, which was, strangely enough, supported by Wanda. _

_ So Steve did the only thing he could. He waited.  _

_ Bucky came back in the evening, although he wouldn’t say where he had been.  _

_ Steve didn’t force him to. _

_ On the following day, Bucky appeared to be perfectly normal. They had breakfast together and were even planning what to do that day, since they had no missions for once. _

_ Steve still itched to know where his pal had gone to _ , _ but couldn’t gather up the courage to ask him.  _

_ But as usual, everything went downhill very quickly. _

_ Shortly before lunch, Bucky locked himself up in the bathroom, refusing to come out and therefore catapulting Steve into another panic attack. Only his iron will kept the blond from forcing the bathroom door open and storming in, demanding to know what was going on in Bucky’s mind. But again, Steve let his best guy do as he pleased. _

_ Once again, Bucky came out in the evening, as if nothing had happened.  _

_ Steve wanted to scream at him, begging him to talk to him. Once again, he was too much of a coward to confront him directly. _

_ The day after, everything was all of sudden...as it had been, when they had found each other again in Central Park. Bucky had smiled at him, talked normally to him, joked with him...kissed him, pretending that nothing was in a sorry state. _

_ Steve just wanted to scream. _

_ After that, he noticed a pattern. _

_ Bucky would vanish every three days for twelve hours and come back. The next day, he would lock himself up in the master bathroom, once again for twelve hours, before emerging in the evening. The day after, everything was fine.  _

_ While he knew that it would be Bucky’s choice to tell him what’s going on, Steve wasn’t sure how long he could take it. Couldn’t Bucky see that this behaviour was killing Steve? _

_ How much longer before it finally would? _

 

Steve sucked in a deep breath of fresh, cool air. It helped clear his confused mind a little, before he stepped back in. He went back to his position in front of the bathroom door and tried to listen to what was happening inside. Strangely enough, he could only hear the weak sound of splashing water (Was Bucky taking a twelve hour bath?).

Sighing, he prepared to visit Sam. Maybe his other best friend could help him find out what was going on with Buck. 

A loud crash from within the bath suddenly put him into Captain mode. Something must have happened to Bucky. But why didn’t he make a sound? Maybe he was unconscious and therefore unable to call for help.

Without thinking further, Steve let out a deep roar and kicked the door open...only to stop short and gape at the unbelievable sight before him.

“W...What the hell?” escaped his lips.

Steve knew that Tony would laugh at him right now because of that swear. But what else could he do? Especially right now, where he was staring at the wide-eyed form of his best guy sporting something which looked suspiciously like a mermaid tail.

With the same plating, which his arm had.

A mermaid tail made of pure metal.

✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭     


Water was life. 

Water was a polar molecule formed from two partially positively charged hydrogen atoms being attracted towards a partially negatively charged oxygen atom, containing two Oxygen - Hydrogen bonds in a nonlinear geometry.

Water was a state of aggregation, which was at room temperature an odourless and tasteless liquid with just a hint of blue.

Water was where he was born all those centuries ago.

Water was what he would dissolve into and become part of again, when it would be time for him to go.

Water was the very core of James Buchanan Barnes’ essence, of everything that made him Bucky.

There was a fine line, which acted as a counterpoise between his human side, his natural born longing for his true home and his secondary gender, his merperson side.

From time to time, he needed to put this fragile balance back into its equilibrium. That’s why he was lying in his and Steve’s shared bath tub full of semi-cold water, this time with just the right amount of salt in it. Theoretically, he didn’t need the salt, since his kind could tolerate both kinds of water - saltwater and freshwater. He just happened to prefer the salty kind.

Back in the forties, it hadn’t been a problem to hold that balance. He just went back into the sea overnight, so that he’d be able to spend the day with Stevie. It certainly got easier when he had grown up into an adult merperson as he had more control over the change between his human and merperson sides.

That changed radically when HYDRA got their proverbial tentacles on him. Self-control wasn’t an option anymore and the things they made him do, when they discovered his secret at last…

Bucky closed his eyes, carefully moving his tail from one side to the other. He didn’t want to think about that time again. It was part of the reason why he was behaving like this. Why he was on this seemingly endless three-day-cycle nowadays that dictated his life right now.

His ears suddenly caught a muffled sound from the living room. Steve must be standing at the bathroom door again, trying to hear what he was doing. Poor punk probably thought that he was cutting or trying to drown himself (which was quite impossible) or using other means to harm himself. But he’d never do something like this. His self-preservation drive was too strong for that. Not even the strongest amount of brainwashing could change this natural instinct of his.

Bucky sighed. 

He knew his erratic behaviour hurt Steve. 

Although the blond super soldier didn't show it, didn't say it directly to his face, Bucky knew better. He could see the micro-changes in his best guy’s mimic expression - the tightening of his lips, the clenching of his fists, the barely audible sighs.

Steve was frustrated with him and Bucky couldn’t blame him. He hated lying to him, but at the moment he wasn’t sure if Steve remembered him the way like he did. Although, sooner or later he’d have to tell Steve the truth. He couldn’t keep up this charade any longer...

His metal tail twitched uncomfortably at the thought, clanging loudly against the enamel material of the tub. Bucky sighed again and sank further down, until the ends of his shoulder-length hair were swimming in the water, framing his pale face like a small bush of dark algae leaves.

He resulted to staring at the ceiling and contemplating his next steps. Only when his gaze fell on the wall clock, showing him that it was time for him to leave his “containment cell” for today. 

To be honest, Bucky still felt slightly anxious, but put it down to his recent struggle of feelings regarding his punk. As he prepared to hoist himself out of the tub (doing that was always a bitch, while being in merperson form) and change back, his non-flesh hand slipped on the wet edge of the tub, causing to fall back into the water with a loud crash. He hissed, when a streak of pain flashed through his shoulder, and cursed internally. Hopefully, Steve hadn’t heard that. He really didn’t want to have the blond in here, before he had changed back.

Of course, all of his hopes shattered into tiny pieces, when Bucky heard the thundering footsteps that usually accompanied Steve when in Captain mode. Before he could even react, fractions of the kicked in door flew towards him and a frantic looking Steve entered the bathroom. Bucky quickly dove underwater to avoid being hit by the wooden door fragments, water splashing over the edge and flooding the floor for good. 

He could hear Steve’s heavy breathing even underwater. Taking a deep breath, he slowly emerged and stared wide-eyed at his best guy, who was staring open-mouthed at him in return. 

For a moment, neither of them moved.

Finally, an unusually harsh “Buck...What the hell?” escaped Steve’s mouth and Bucky tried not to wince to hard. He deserved this tone from Steve, because he had been the one lying. Still, it hurt.

“I can explain…” Bucky whispered, moving his tail a little bit.

Steve clenched his fists and inhaled deeply through his nostrils. Then…

Then he turned quickly on his heels and strode out of the bathroom.

“Steve, I can explain. Please come back.” Bucky shouted after him. 

But the only answer, which he received, was the loud slam of the front door. Bucky winced, before slumping back into the water, his eyes suddenly burning. All his fears about telling Steve the truth seemed to come true now. 

But the worst thing was...He deserved this.

✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

Steve’s head was spinning, as he automatically took the elevator down to the gym, just as he always did when he was frustrated. Ignoring JARVIS’ concerned questions, he punched the button for the gym floor.

His mind had still trouble processing of what had just happened back in the apartment. He couldn't believe, what he had seen moments ago.

But apparently, Bucky was a...mermaid? Merman? Merperson? With a metal tail no less.

He was a sea dweller on dry land. 

A fact that certainly explained his strange behaviour in the past few weeks. But that didn’t change the fact that Steve was still angry and disappointed. Not because Bucky lied to him. He was disappointed by the fact that his best guy, his jerk, still felt the need to hide this secret from him. Maybe he was ashamed of the metall tail, like he was of his arm sometimes.

But there was no need to be ashamed about that. Bucky may think like this, having to live with this appendage for who knows long. But Steve found it aesthetically pleasant, not only from an artist’s point of view, but also from a lover’s. He loved Bucky, no matter how he looked like.

The distinctive ‘ding’ of the stopping elevator reminded his body that he had reached his destination. Not unlike a walking dead, the blond super soldier strode into the empty gym and towards the storage room, where his unbreakable sandbags were stored. Grabbing two of them and hefting them over his muscled shoulders, he headed to his usual spot, where he hooked in one of the bags.

Only when the first bag was secured in its place place, Steve began to pummel it, as if he was trying to punch the Red Skull and the entirety of HYDRA into the next void. Which he most likely was trying to do. But he also tried to figure out that sudden feeling of déjà vu, which had come to his mind out of the blue. But Steve couldn’t quite place it. 

A normal human being should be shocked when realizing that the best friend was a supernatural being. So why wasn’t Steve? He knew he should be. But something deep in his mind kept telling him that he had seen a merman, merperson, before. No, not a merman, but a small merboy. Back in the 1920’s, when he first met Bucky.

  
_ Coney Island in July 1923 was a bustling place. _

_ Ever since the subway had been completed three years ago, New York’s upper and middle class weren't the only ones anymore, who could afford the food and the entertainment of Brooklyn's most famous summer relaxation destination. A lot of the new visitors came from the working class or were immigrants, who didn't earn that much money to spend it on hot dogs or carousel rides. _

_ However, it didn't stop them from coming to the beach, ever since the formerly private property had been opened up to the public a few weeks ago. Millions of citizens now took the opportunity to invade the beachside via the newly erected boardwalk, bringing blankets and baskets full of food with them, all of them just wanting to enjoy a sunny day at the sea.  _

_ On this particular day, the fourth of July 1923, a small, blond boy, who was watching with wide eyes at his surroundings, and his widowed mother were part of this mass invasion. It was Steven Grant Rogers’ sixth birthday and Sarah had saved up some money from her hard work as a nurse to treat her little boy to a whole day on Coney Island. Like the rest, she had brought a huge basket with homemade delicacies, a blanket and swimming clothes with her. _

_ Luckily, they managed to get one of the few free lockers at the Bath House, which was rare enough. After changing into their swim attires, Sarah and Steve headed for the beach, which was already full occupied at that time of the day. Still, they found a small spot near Steeplechase Pier to put their blanket on, squeezing them in between two other Irish immigrant families. _

_ Steve enjoyed being able outside their home district for once, and that even on his birthday. When he was not frolicking around, tiny feet running through the rough sand and the lukewarm saltwater (but only up to his knobby knees, since he couldn’t swim yet), he stayed on their shared blanket, eating his ma’s homemade pie and sandwiches, drinking her self-made lemonade, while trying not to get sunburnt. Sarah just loved to watch her little angel, while he had fun for once. _

_ All in all, it was a perfect day. A perfect birthday for Steve Rogers. _

_ In the evening, when most people had already gone home, Sarah and Steve were still there, but also about to head home. While Sarah started to pack their things together, she gave Steve a coin so that he could treat himself to some spun sugar, but only under the condition to wait for her at the edge of the boardwalk.  _

_ With a small cheer, he grabbed the coin from his mother’s hand and ran towards the place, which sold the embodiment of pink, sweet fluffiness. He bought himself a big portion, since he fully intended to share it with his ma.  _

_ Suddenly, while he waited where Sarah had told him to, he heard a distinct shouting from the end of the pier. Turning his head, he could see from his position five kids, four boys and a girl of Eastern European descent from the looks of it, all of them maybe two years older than himself. The boys had surrounded the girl and were obviously tossing something around that looked like a rag doll. Most likely the girl’s doll, since she was close to tears, while the boys laughed at her and kept chucking the toy to each other. _

_ Steve’s eyes narrowed. God, how he hated bullies, no matter what age they were. And those kids clearly belonged into that category. How could they dare to persecute the poor girl?  _

_ Without thinking, Steve dropped his candy floss and run towards the small group as fast as his small feet and his weak lungs allowed him to. _

_ “Hey, give that doll back to the girl.” he yelled on top of his lungs, already wheezing from the effort of running. _

_ The boys stopped and looked unbelievingly at his small form. _

_ “What do you want,  _ **_puțoi_ ** _?” one of them sneered at him with a heavy Eastern European accent. _

_ Steve stopped, gasping for air, and raised his now clenched fists.  _

_ “I said: Give that doll back to the girl and let her go.” he shouted shrilly. _

_ The four boys looked at each other, before they burst into laughter.  _

_ “What the hell is so funny?” Steve demanded to know, swinging his tiny fists threateningly. _

_ The boy, who had the girl's doll in his possession at the moment, tossed it to her and hissed something in a foreign language to her. The girl clutched her doll close to her chest, throwing Steve a grateful glance, before running away and leaving him all alone with the boys. _

_ Steve gulped, when he realized that it was now just him and them. Nevertheless, he remained steadfast. _

_ The boy, who had addressed him first, stepped forward, crossing his arms in front of his chest. _

_ “Come on,  _ **_puțoi._ ** _ You want to fight? Then show us what you can.” he challenged Steve. _

_ As soon as those words had left the boy’s mouth, something really hard hit his shin and he howled with pain, startling the rest of his little gang. Steve, tinged with a sudden rush of adrenaline, had propelled himself forward and kicked the leader’s tibia.  _

_ “You little **căcat**! Get him.” the boy shouted to his friends, who didn’t need to be told twice. They went after Steve, who made it quite difficult for them to catch him. Despite his strong audible wheezing, he delivered punches and kicks to every available spot on their bodies just like the Irish spitfire that he was. _

_ In the end, their fight ended, when the boys finally got a hold of Steve. They scooped him up and carried him to the pier’s railing, while Steve tried to wriggle out of their grasp, but to no avail.  _

_ When Steve looked down on the dark blue water of the Coney Island Channel, he gulped. Maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to pick up a quarrel with those Eastern European boys. On the other hand, the grateful expression on the girl’s face had been worth it. His ma would have done the same. Now he just had to get himself out of this awkward situation. Which seemed nearly impossible, since the boys had him in an iron grip. _

_ As soon as all of them had reached the railing at the end of the Pier, the leader shouted something in a language, which Steve didn't understand. Before he knew what was happening, he was flying over the railing and crashed with a loud splash right into the salty seawater.  _

_ Steve bounced right under the water surface, the cool liquid slowing his movements noticeably, as he tried to get back upwards. All the while, he tried not to give into his body's temptation to take a deep breath, because that would be his certain death. He couldn't leave his Ma all on her own, after all. _

_ While he struggled against the torrents of the water and the cold, which seemed to seep into every single body cell, and the everlasting urge to breathe in, it became harder and harder to stay awake. And he still wasn't any closer to the surface.  _

_ Suddenly, Steve suddenly wondered if was just his imagination or was the world getting darker? And what was that silver glittering on this underwater horizon? _

_ He closed his eyes and forced them open again, just to make sure that his increasingly darkening mind didn't play tricks on him. _

_ But the silver glittering was still there and now that Steve was able to take a closer look, he knew that he must be hallucinating because of the lack of oxygen.  _

_ There was no way that there was a small boy of his age just a few metres away, looking curiously at him.  _

_ There was no way that the boy had the lower body of a sea fish, silver tail glittering in the last rays of light. _

_ There was no way that he was looking at a Merperson right now. _

_ He had heard about them through his mother's stories, but thought of them as old wives tales. Yet, here he was one them - in flesh and alive. Too bad that he wouldn't be able to tell anyone about his encounter.  _

_ The boy smiled at Steve and slowly approached him, swimming around him in a small circle. Steve was so surprised at the boy’s appearance that he followed his motions automatically. He even forgot for a second that he wasn’t supposed to take a breath underwater.  He breathed in...  _

_...and started to choke, as he felt the water trying to enter his already weak lungs. His small hands grabbed his throat, his vocal chords spasming in a natural reflex, as they sealed his airway from being flooded. _

_ Steve knew he was panicking, when black spots appeared in front of his eyes. From the corner of his eyes, he spotted a frown on the Merboy’s face. Steve couldn't blame him. The sea dweller had probably never seen a dying human before. And now he had to see him go. _

_ Steve's eyes dropped shut, the blond boy losing consciousness rapidly. Maybe that’s why he imagined the feeling of soft, but cold lips on his forehead, which was really nice.  _

_ Suddenly, something strong grabbed pulled him through the ocean. So this my way to heaven, Steve thought, before the darkness finally claimed him. _

 

_ It was the distant sound of something similar to thunder that woke him up. When he opened his tired eyes, he could see colourful fire flowers up there, illuminating the night sky for a few seconds before disappearing. It was beautiful. _

_ Steve groaned and tried to get into an upright, but sitting position before taking in his surroundings. To his utter surprise, he was back on the beach, not for away from the place, where they had been picnicking. So the big question was: How did he get here? Maybe he hadn’t been hallucinating, after all, and had seen the little Merperson back in the ocean. He must have saved Steve, before he could drown out there, and brought him to the shore. Steve looked at the dark sea in front of him, hoping to catch a last glimpse of his saviour, but to no avail.  _

_ Suddenly, he startled. He could hear voices in the distance that were shouting...his name. One of them was his mother’s voice. Steve wanted to cry for her, wanted her to hold him, to assure him that he had done well helping the girl. But he found that he had no strength left to shout for his Ma nor to move a single finger. _

_ In the end, it also wasn't necessary. Just a few minutes later, he was surrounded by his mother and a few men who worked at the shops up by the boardwalk. Sarah was crying and scooped up her little boy in her arms, muttering Steve’s name in his wet hair. She knew she should probably question his miraculous return. But to be honest, she didn’t care. She was just glad to have him back in one piece. _

_ One of the men offered to drive them home. An offer, which Sarah gladly accepted. As the small group slowly walked away from the ocean, Steve turned his head and took a last glance at the gloomy sea, secretly wondering, when he’d see the little Merboy again… _

  
CRASH.

With one last blow, Steve all but kicked the sandbag through the whole gym. Breathing heavily, he stared at its remains, while his brain finally connected all the puzzle pieces together.

Bucky's secrecy.

His frequent disappearances.

The holing up in the bathroom.

And of course, the beautiful appendage

How could he have forgotten that particular memory? How could he when he was supposed to have a eidetic memory? How could he have forgotten his first encounter with Bucky?

Because there was no doubt that Buck had been the little Merperson, who had saved him from the date of a watery grave. Steve also remembered now his second encounter with the Human Bucky a few weeks later. Of course, he had been in another alley fight just a few weeks later, only to be saved by a boy, who was a dead ringer for the little Merboy.

As they were standing there in that alley, facing each other, both of them had felt an instant connection, which would last through several decades of hardship, war and pain until now.

And although Steve should have been wondering, where Bucky would disappear to every night...He didn’t ask. But now he knew. 

Steve took a deep breath and turned on his heels, basically running out of the gym back to the elevator, which would bring him back to his apartment floor.

Hopefully, Bucky would forgive him for being such a punk.

Hopefully, it wasn’t too late.

✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭

Bucky was miserable and it was entirely his own damn fault.

But that was not the only reason, why he was sitting right now huddled on his and Steve’s couch in their living room after having changed back into his human form, all snuggled up in his favourite sea blue blanket and mindlessly watching the entire series of “Blue Planet II” on Blu-Ray. 

Normally, watching this series helped him cope a little with his strong homesickness. But today was different. The whole incident with Steve had shaken him to his very core and he wasn’t sure if he could recover that quickly. Just seeing Steve’s disappointed face had been enough to make him lose his equilibrium. His puffy eyes were the proof.

As he watched a group of manta rays floating majestically through the endless Deep Blue, Bucky wasn’t sure if he could take it any longer. Sure, he had been the one to lie to his punk and he couldn’t and wouldn't put the blame on him, if Steve came to the decision to end their relationship. But the longer he stayed here in this insomniac city, the more difficult it became to resist the pull of the water. In the end, it gave only one real option for him - to leave the city for the sea with or without Steve, but preferably with his punk.

Bucky sniffled into his blanket and pulled it closer to his frame, his gaze following the group of rays a reef, where swarms of tiny fishes were about to set to work and take care of the rays’ bite wounds, nursing them back to health.

Bucky was so engrossed in his own thoughts that he almost missed the sound of thundering steps coming closer with every passing second, which was so typically Steve. He dismissed it, because he didn't dare to get his hopes high that his best guy would come back to give him his absolution for all his lies and sins.

Only that Steve came rushing in barely a second later, face flushed red and looking incredibly guilty. He came to a halt just a few inches before the couch, staring at Bucky with tears in his wide eyes. Neither of them moved, until Bucky finally broke the silence.

“Stevie?” he whispered into the silence of the room, which was only disturbed by the quiet commentary from the documentary on TV. Somehow, he couldn’t believe that his punk was really here after all what had happened.

Steve just stood there, not saying anything, just staring at his best guy, until he slowly started to walk forwards. Step by step, he approached Bucky in a slow pace, until he was only a few inches away from the couch. Only then, he dropped down on his knees right in front of Bucky.

“Stevie! I…” Bucky whispered, but Steve's finger on his lips silenced him. Bucky swallowed hardly. So this was it. Now, Steve would either tell him to stay or to fuck off.

“I'm so sorry, Buck. I'm so sorry that I forgot about you.” it suddenly burst out of Steve, whereby the blond could barely choke back his tears.

Bucky looked at him in confusion. What the hell did Steve mean by that?

“I don't understand.” He replied.

Steve closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

“That day on Coney Island. Where we first met. You were that little Merboy, who saved my scrawny ass from drowning in the Coney Island Channel, after those boys threw me in. I never thanked you for that.” He confessed.

Bucky stared in shock at his punk. He hadn't expected that. He had expected that Steve would yell at him, hell, even leave him. He certainly hadn't expected him to talk about their first meeting, since he had been 100 percent sure that Steve had long forgotten about it. Apparently, he had been wrong.

“Can I…?” Steve asked, gesturing at the free space on the couch right next to Bucky. Bucky just nodded.

Steve got up and sat down next to him, curling up at Bucky’s side, before he carefully pulled him closer. The brunette stiffened for a second, taking a deep breath before he allowed himself the luxury to rest his head on Steve’s shoulder. Both continued to watch the documentary in silence, following the pod of dolphins as they were playing with the boats of the humans. 

“So, why didn't you tell me?” Steve’s quiet voice drowned the noises of the small, gregarious, toothed whales.

Bucky pressed his lips together.

“I didn’t want to tell you in case you didn’t remember me. Obviously, I was wrong.” he said, gaze fixated on the screen. 

“I’m sorry.” Steve apologized again. Bucky sighed, sneaking out his flesh hand from underneath the safety of his blanket and pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Why do you always say sorry for things, which aren’t your goddamn fault?” he snapped. “I should be the one apologizing. I lied to you. I made you worry.” Bucky all but screamed at his punk. Steve let him.

Bucky took a deep breath, before he looked at Steve again. 

“I didn't want you to see what kind of monster HYDRA made out of me.” He whispered, hanging his head low so that Steve couldn't make out his eyes.

“You had silver scales, if I remember correctly.” Steve stated. 

Bucky nodded again.

“But what happened exactly? What did they do to you? Please tell me, Buck. I just want to understand.” Steve pleaded with him.

Bucky's breath hitched. He didn't want to think about that time again. But maybe, just maybe Steve would understand a little part of the terror and the pain he had gone through. In a shaky voice, he began to tell his tale.

“It was Zola, of course. Who else?” he stated the obvious, leaning back into Steve’s embrace.

Steve nodded silently, privily grinding his teeth without making a noise. Even now, with all his digital cells blown up into so many particles that they could easily form an universe of its own, that pig-faced weasel continued to be the bane of their existence. He should have kicked him off that train in 1944. Not that he’d tell Bucky. Instead, he listened, as his best guy told him what that human sausage had done.

“To be honest, I don’t really know for sure how he found out about what I was. One day during the first two years of my conditioning, they used waterboarding on me in one of their daily torture session. I was already in a state of mind, where it had become very difficult to keep control over my shifting process. On that day, I must have lost it for a few seconds. And…”

“...you changed into your other form. Must have been quite a sight for that weasel.” Steve finished the sentence.

Bucky snorted, letting out a bitter laugh.

“You could say that. He was grinning so hard that I thought his face would crack.” He shook his head before he turned his gaze back to the TV screen. “But I couldn’t know what kind of sick ideas would hide behind this grin.” he whispered.

“What kind of ideas?”

Bucky inhaled sharply.

“The worst. He wanted to match my tail with my arm, so that I could be used in the water and on land. At first, they pulled out my scales. EVERY SINGLE ONE. But not all at once. No, Zola personally pulled them out one by one with a pair of forceps, cackling all the time, until only my bleeding flesh was left.

Then he had the grand idea to chop off my tail and the rest of my fins - while I was awake, no less - and replaced with his own creation. Basically, the same monstrosity to match my arm.” He spat, glaring at the offending piece of metal on his left side.

“So most of your metal tail is basically a shell? Like an armour?” Steve mused.

Bucky nodded his head. 

Steve, who had been clenching his fists, when he just reminisced about Zola laying a single finger on his best guy, put a reassuring hand on Bucky's flesh arm. It hurt so much to think that he hadn't been there to rescue him and spare him all this torture.

“Of course, he had to test out his new weapon.”  Bucky continued to speak.

Steve almost didn't dare to ask about what Zola made Bucky do. And yet, he did.

“How?” Was the only word he managed to get out.

For a long moment, Bucky didn't say anything, until... 

“HMS Affray, April 16th 1951, 75 victims. 

Б-37, January 22nd 1962, 122 victims. 

USS Thresher, April 10th 1963, 129 victims.

USS Scorpion, May 22th 1968, 99 victims. 

K-141 Kursk, August 12th 2000, 118 victims.

Any potential target, which lived close to the sea or was on vacation there? Make it look like an accidental drowning.” He recitated, his gaze becoming empty, as he slipped momentarily back into the Winter Soldier mindset. 

Steve shuddered. He had heard of these names, which Bucky had just enumerated like a hit list (and which was most likely one). He had read about them, while catching up on all the years he had spent in his cold bed. 

Submarine disasters. 

And from the looks of it, HYDRA were very likely the ones to order their termination, either to test Bucky’s underwater abilities or to show off their perfect weapon. Or both. 

Once again, Anger rushed through him like a tsunami wave. Anger that was directed at everyone, who had hurt his Bucky. Anger at himself for not preventing it. There was only one thing Steve could do now. To be there for Bucky and give him all the love he had to spare.

The blond looked at Bucky and the empty gaze directed at the TV screen. He sighed mentally. Bucky must have slipped back into the Winter Soldier mode. But how? He had thought that his best guy had been free from HYDRA’s grasp.

He lifted his right hand and touched Bucky’s right cheek tenderly. 

“Buck, are you with me?” he asked quietly, stroking it with gentle fingertips. When Bucky showed no reaction, he repeated his action. Suddenly, Bucky put his flesh hand on his chest, fingers clawing into his blanket, all the while gasping for air like a fish on dry land.

Steve reacted immediately. He placed himself behind Bucky, pulling him onto his lap, and put his large hand on Bucky’s, while saying: “Breathe, Buck. You have to breathe. Come on. Inhale, hold for a second and exhale.” He took a deep breath, held and let it out again, hoping that Bucky would follow his example. He repeated this action for almost thirty seconds, before he heard Bucky take a shaky breath.

“That’s fine. Do it again.” he encouraged his best guy. Bucky did as Steve had said and continued to inhale and exhale, until his breathing became more stable. From the corner of his eyes, Steve could see that Bucky’s gaze had lost some of the emptiness. Relieved, the blond engulfed Bucky in a tight hug from behind, burying his face in Bucky’s neck. 

“I can’t do this anymore.” Bucky suddenly whispered.

Confused, Steve looked up.

“What do you mean, Buck?”

“I can’t stay here any longer. I thought I could keep my mind free by spending most of my daytime in the water. It worked after DC.” Bucky whispered and Steve frowned, before it dawned on him. Of course, this had to be the reason for Bucky’s constant disappearances. Water must have some kind of healing effect on him.

“But why do you have to leave then?” he asked.

Bucky pressed his lips together and turned his head so that he could look at Steve.

“This city. It is suffocating me. Strangling me. It’s like I’m back on cryo all over again. I need to be somewhere close to the sea. Constantly. I…” Bucky stopped. Should he really say the words, which were on the tip of his tongue, out loud? It was probably for the better, if Steve knew what choices he’d have to make. 

“... I'll understand if you don’t want to come with me.” he finished his speech. He pulled himself off Steve's lap, but stayed close to him. 

Steve didn't stop him. He was just trying to process, what Bucky had thrown into the room. Buck would leave someday, probably sooner than later. And there was no force in the world that could keep him from doing just that. And Steve was going to be the last person in the universe forcing Bucky to stay in a city, which was giving him nightmares every day.

Maybe, just maybe he could solve this without having to leave the Avengers, but still with enough time for his best guy. A plan already forming in his mind, he took Bucky’s non-metal hand and squeezed it gently. 

“Don’t worry, Buck. We’ll find a solution. But can I ask you something? And please don’t be angry, when I ask this of this.” Steve asked him.

Bucky looked up and at Steve questioningly, knitting his eyebrows. Steve blushed furiously, before he blurted out:

“Can I see your tail again?”

Bucky blinked...and blinked again.

“Are you sure? It’s ugly.” he replied in a quiet voice.

“Don’t say that. It’s beautiful…” Steve protested, squashing every objection coming from Bucky’s direction. “And don’t you dare think otherwise. It’s now a part of you and it won’t make me love you less.”

Bucky studied Steve's face, looking for a sign that he didn't tell the truth. But who was he kidding? Steve never lied. 

“Alright.” he finally agreed.

They agreed to do it in the bathroom. As Steve carried Bucky bridal-style back to the Master bathroom, he vowed to do everything in his power to make Bucky happy again.

It was going to be a bumpy ride for both of them.

But Bucky was worth it.


	3. Since then

**Since then**

 

If someone would have told Steve, when he was all but a boy of six years, that he would end up living his life as a frozen and defrosted super soldier with his childhood friend,  the former defrosted Winter Merperson Soldier, aka known as Bucky, in a beautiful house in Florida like some old geezers (which is what they are), he’d have spend half of his childhood rolling on the floor and doubling up with laughter.

Yet, there they were, standing in front of their new home - a nice small house in the woods near Crystal Beach, right at the Boggy Bayou at Florida’s Gulf Coast. It had been a hard time to find the right place and set it up for “Mr. and Mr. Rogers-Barnes”.

But their new home had something, which had been discovered during their first walkthrough with the realtor and Tony. Bucky had felt it at once, when they had set foot into their potential new home. The song of water right beneath their feet. Only an extensive research later had revealed the enormous underwater cavern right under the house, which was apparently part of Florida’s extensive underwater cave system. Their cave, as it turned out, had also its own connection to the Gulf. A fact that made Bucky more than happy.

Luckily, Tony had installed a private entrance to the cave (after making sure that their house didn’t end up in a sinkhole), so that Bucky could use it to explore the cave. As Steve and Bucky sat for the first time on the front porch of their new home, they reminiscenced of what had changed during the past few months.

Six months earlier, after the both of them had finally reconnected, Steve had immediately started making plans for them.

_ The most important step had been to tell the team. For that, Steve had called a meeting, but not in their usual conference room, but the Tower’s very own wellness and pool area on the 33th level. Much to the team’s surprise, Steve was sitting on the pool’s edge with his bare feet in the water, while he watched a silvery shadow gliding in the clear water. _

_ His friends looked questioningly at him, but Steve didn’t say a single word. He continued looking at the shadow, who was all but whirling through the clear liquid. Getting curious, they stepped closer to see what was that interesting, only to be greeted by a large splash. Only Wanda’s quick reaction saved them from being drenched. _

_ Then Bucky emerged barechested from under the water, wet hair clinging to his head.  He took a look at Steve’s assembled friends, before he moved to the spot where Steve sat, and heaved himself out of the water to sit next to him, metal tail gleaming in the artificial light. His matching hand grabbed Steve’s and squeezed it assuringly, when he was hearing the sharp intakes of breaths behind them. _

_ As soon as Steve’s super-hearing heard the same reaction from his friends, he turned  his head to see their faces. _

_ To his surprise, none of them looked angry. Sam, Scott, Rhodey and Peter just stared unbelievingly at Bucky, probably contemplating their life choices, while Tony had that excited gleam in his eyes, which he always got when he laid his eyes on new tech. Steve did not like it. _

_ Not so much of a surprise was that Nat, Clint and the twins weren’t surprised. Natasha and Clint were assassins, who knew everything. Wanda on the other side, she had most likely seen it on the day Bucky had arrived. Bruce just shrugged his shoulders. He was just glad that he wasn't the only abnormality anymore. _

_ Nat raised a quizzical eyebrow at Steve, who looked sheepishly at them. _

_ “I guess we have a lot to talk about then.” he admitted. _

_ And talking they did - right after everyone had found a sitting accommodation - although it felt more like an interrogation. About Bucky’s origins, how they met and, of course, the tail. _

_ And there was Tony, hovering way too close to Bucky, curious eyes fixated on the arm and tail. Only when Steve threatened him with bodily harm and Bucky splashed him, so that he really resembled a drowned rat, Tony let it go. _

_ Then it came to the very reason of that meeting. Steve laid open his plans to move somewhere at the coast. Although there was much discussion and arguing among the Avengers, he had made up his mind. _

_ Bucky needed to be near the sea, and as a good partner, Steve would accompany him. Besides, there were always ways in which he could help out, should the team need him and his shield. _

_ In the end, Steve won the argument. On the next day, the search for their future started. _

 

“Do you like our new home, Buck?” Steve asked, as he leaned against Bucky's non-flesh shoulder, watching the huge sun as she was swallowed by the horizon.

Bucky hummed agreeingly. He was happy to be here, far away from the chaos and the noise that was New York.

Tomorrow, he’d take Steve out for a trip on their new boat, dive with him to the local coral reefs, make love to him underwater, although not on the reef. Steve surely wouldn't appreciate, if his back would be pierced by the sharp-edged organism, while they were at it. This would only scare the deep-sea dwellers.

There were also a lot of other things, which they could do now.

Exploring Florida's cave system together.

Diving in Mexico's cenotes at the edge of the Chicxulub crater.

Spending time with Steve's friends, when they were on vacation.

Visiting Bucky’s family.

Occasionally saving the world.

There were so many things they were able to do now. Although the only thing that mattered was that they were doing it together.

Because they had all the time in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Romanian Swear words:
> 
> Puțoi - Punk  
> Căcat - shit
> 
> As always, you can find me also on ****  
> [Tumblr](https://terrenis.tumblr.com/)  
> 


End file.
